Priceless Observations Department:

Posted on: Jan 18, 2012 at 03:19
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DUH !!!!!

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself,
'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.' 
- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter) 
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.' 
- Eleanor Roosevelt  
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.  
- Mark Twain  
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible  
- George Burns  
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.  
- Victor Borge  
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.  
- Mark Twain  
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.  
- Socrates  
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.  
- Groucho Marx  
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.  
- Jimmy Durante  
I have never  hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.  
- Zsa Zsa Gabor  
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.  
- Alex Levine  
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.  
- Rodney Dangerfield  
Money can't buy you happiness ... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name wasSHUT UP .
- Joe Namath
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
- Bob Hope
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it..
- W. C. Fields
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
- Will Rogers
Don't worry about avoiding temptation.   As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out..
- Phyllis Diller
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
- Billy Crystal
And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good spit it out.
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