Posted on: Jan 06, 2013 at 02:25
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As we progress into 2013, I want to thank you all for your educational e-mails over the past year.  I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.
I can no longer open a bathroom door  without using a paper towel,
nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying
about the bacteria on the lemon peel.
I can't  sit down on a hotel bedspread  because I can only imagine
what has happened on it since it was last washed.
I have trouble shaking hands  with someone who has been driving
because the number one pastime while  driving alone is picking one's nose.
Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only
imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.
I can't touch any woman's handbag  for fear she has placed it on
the floor of a public toilet.
I must send my special thanks  for the email about rat poo
in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with
every envelope that needs sealing.
ALSO,  now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I can't have a drink in a bar because I fear I'll wake up in a bathtub
full of ice with my kidneys gone.
I can't eat at KFC  because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.
I can't use cancer-causing deodorants  even though I smell like a
water buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you  I have learned that my prayers only get answered
if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
Because of your concern ,  I no longer drink Coca Cola because
it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer buy  fuel without taking someone along to watch the car,
so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.
I no longer use Cling Wrap  in the microwave because it causes
seven different types of cancer.
And thanks for letting me  know  I can't boil a cup of water
in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring
me for life.
I no longer go to the cinema  because I could be pricked with a
needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.
I no longer go to shopping centers  because someone will drug
me with a perfume sample and rob me..
And  I no longer answer the phone because  someone will ask
me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to
Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan ..
Thanks to you  I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a
big black snake could  be lurking under the seat and cause me instant
death when it bites my butt.
And thanks to your great advice  I can't ever pick up a
quarter coin dropped in the car park because it was probably placed
there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.
I can't do any gardening  because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the
Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.
If you don't send this e-mail to  at least 144,000 people in
the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land
on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the
fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you
to  grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it
actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbors
ex mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's
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